Who is this???????

I'm feeling uncomfortable in my skin.....

I feel like me inside my head but when I look at my outside I am not the me I want to be....

There is an extra layer of me over my muscles... It is not a great thick winter coat... yet...

The problem is I am still unsure enough about this whole new Not-Size-20 me that the small addition of this layer that has occurred while I have been going through the weird and wonderful liver thingy and now the whole "Off season you can eat that" thing scares me....

it scares me a lot....

I miss the contest shape me..... a lot...

I can tell myself that being 172cms tall and 68kgs (put the calculator down MQ, its about 150lbs) is not humongously huge... except I am now used to weighing around 60kgs (132lbs) and on contest day I was 54kgs (118lbs) so although I try and tell myself that I am still within a totally healthy weight range I really don't hear what I am trying to tell myself and I dislike what I see in the mirror..

I need a caliper test to get my head back into the right space, but I am terrified of a caliper test in case the muscle that I am pretty sure has increased hasn't.... and then we all now what has increased.... then what...

So although I am still about 24 weeks out from the IFBB October Competition I am already starting to reduce the things that I would not be eating if I was in serious competition diet mode...... all food... lol...

No the things I have been enjoying but haven't really needed... things like milk in my coffee, coffee in my coffee - now its back to green tea more than coffee, the avocado and cottage cheese is being cut back and the green veges are increasing... I can even see the inevitable good by banana day arriving soon.. sob...

Then I worry that because I am seeing myself as unattractive at a "normal range" body weight, is this dislike of me something that I should be worrying about... so I worry about worrying or not worrying as the case may be... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe I am just ridiculously vain... come on now, think about it, I am officially less than one month away from 50... who cares about a layer at 50!!! ummmm in case you can't see the leaping up and down person in the back... that's me with my hand up...

I care cause I don't look like me.... well not the me in my head.. but then sometimes the me in my head wears an eye patch and has a parrot called Maurice... shit, forgot about not mentioning the whole parrot thing in public... but go on admit it, you are now sitting there imagining yourself with an eye patch and parrot... lol

Anyway just in case you are reading this thinking I am sad this is not a sad rant.. I just needed to see how I felt today... and today I feel "not me" ...

I trained upper body this morning and then did 50 mins of cardio tonight.. I hate not being able to finish my morning workouts with a quick HIIT cardio session but the time limits have bought about changes and you just got to do what you got to do... so n ight cardio is now the happening thing... Legs to train tomorrow.. love that!!!

Well my Hubby just deposited a cup of green tea next to me, which goes to show that although I often say otherwise he can actually boil water, but that's about all he can cook.... and I strangely feel like I need to go and find a cracker to have with it.... weird... ohhhhhh hang on its not me... it Maurice who is wants a cracker... so better connect me wooden leg and go fetch it... arrrr.... goodnight me hearties....