The perfect gift...

HUGE!! I tell you HUGE!!

Mosquitoes!!!.... we have had rain every day for a few weeks now.... I like to think it is the Gods showing me that selling the Bitch Broom when I did was perfect timing since if I had fought my gut feeling and held on to her I would be deeper in financial shit and I could not have ridden her at all in that time.... in the meantime the mosquitoes have been breeding like bloody (get the pun people, get the pun) mosquitoes!!!

They are squiggling in the dogs water bowl, they are squiggling in the plant pot saucers, they are even squiggling in the Bromeliads...for those who don't know those wonderful draught resistant plants hold water in their center for emergencies, or in this case for a gazillion mossies to breed in.. and they are leaving the water and heading towards me in flocks of buzzing evil...

They don't touch Hubby... well I can sort of understand their point... really I think his farting is a natural "everything deterrent" no know earth bound creature could survive drinking his blood if it even vaguely tastes like he can smell!!

Likewise the dogs are immune from the bitty beats, likewise because of their green farts... so called since they are so potent you expect to see a green cloud after you hear the noise...

But me.. well I must be fabulously delicious! Honestly I know do not even bother putting my beautiful perfume on anymore, I just get up in the morning, shower then smother myself with sunless tanning lotion since there no longer seems to be a Sun. Next I spray myself from head to toe in OFF pest deterrent. I also spray from head to toe before going to bed, after waking one morning to discover I had been party food during the night with no less than 10 itchy nasty bites...

BUT.. while the mossies are huge and blood thirsty the Midges are vicious! they are almost invisible bitey beasts and while their bites don't itch straight away two days after the bite I suddenly have this spot that is itchy beyond belief and until smother it in Stop Itch ointment after the tanning lotion and the Off...

Now due to the liberal covering of orange scented Off, and then the pepperminty scent of Stop Itch I now have my own signature scent... and so I have decided to produce my own perfume... I have decided to cover all my bases with one product and totally corner the market...

I am making a spray on instant tanning insect repellent itch remover... I am going to call it........
I FART 
Itch Free And Repellent Tanner

Hell I can see it now.. Oprah will stand on her stage and announce she has discovered this amazing product and she will introduce me and I will announce to the world that I FART! and millions will rush into shops yelling I FART, I FART, I FART!!!

I'm going to be rich.... But I will always remember where I came from so I will give my Blog followers a discount on any I FART! purchased directly from me.. come on its the perfect Xmas gift... imagine opening your gifts Xmas morning and seeing a big dark brown box with I FART! splashed across it, bet you just couldn't wait to open that one.....