Focus......

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”- Arnold Schwarzenegger
“The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

FIGURING OUT THE FIFTIES.... SO THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT.......

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Crappy Head Space

Ok.... so things aren't great in my Witchazels World at the moment...

Dark clouds are blocking my visions of health and happiness..

There seems to be an endless list of demon hassles fighting to jump on me as I negotiate my world..

So I'm sorry if this is depressing but I need to vent and see if any of them are really worth the stress and sadness they are putting in my way... or are they just smoke and mirrors...

I am now spending every day at sucky job in Saggy Baggy Uniform...
I am fully aware that in this economic time I should be grateful to have a job at all, but the windowless office suffocates me and I count the hours till my lunch break. When I can finally sit alone outside and listen to the birds.. ohh and feed the mosquito's, who didn't want to bite me when I was in contest mode... they probably felt sorry for me then LOL.

Even though I have put weight back on the uniform is still saggy baggy and as unflattering as anything.. this may be a pitiful thing to admit but I like to be looked at by males or females if they are inclined, no chance of that happening in my SBU! I feel old, drab and saggy, I have to wear black mens socks and black sneakers as the pants are too short for heels, they are actually too short for sneakers as well hence the mens socks, the shirt still has enough room for me and anyone else who would like to join me so I look like I am trying to hide a stomach that isn't there... too short pants and a pregnant shirt, yep a great look all round and about as far as you can get from hooker heels and a bikini covered with crystals

I had my hair extensions taken out on Saturday.... because I need to rest my hair and I want to use the extensions again in October I can not have my hair cut so it is now this ordinary almost shoulder length non-style. I have developed semi-curls since moving to Queensland - due to the humidity I think- so my hair is now very much a style acceptable to your average almost 50 year old woman... just what I want to be - NOT.

Even though I am still under 60kg's, compared to how I looked in contest condition at 54kgs, I feel huge.... in my mind definitely... smoke and mirrors? Absolutely... but please remember I have just spent 16 months totally focused on reducing my weight... I am now meant to gain weight on purpose... I Know! I Know!!!! I have to get back to a healthy weight and bodyfat%.... I have to do this to grow muscle... I am terrified of not being able to stop gaining... terrified.

My computer has ZERO memory left so when it isn't freezing for minutes at a time, it is crashing! Ohhh and the k key only works occasionally - I just had to try and type that line 4 times to get them to work!!! Hubby who knows nothing about computers keeps asking me how to get it to do things that it can no longer do due to the memory thing... I am ready to throw this across the room.... only my need to reach the outside world no matter how long and frustrating the process is stops me...

Morgan is a sweet beautiful dog who is driving me insane with her destructive ways, she has managed to remove 90% of our back (5 goes for that k) lawn in the last week with her hole digging so now whenever they run outside they bring a trail of sand and dirt back in with them... hence the 4 hours of housework on Saturday... Hubby is totally oblivious to dirt in the house, get a spot of dust on the Harley's or the Chev and he is out there in 3.2sec's with a rag, of course he could be striding through 2 foot of dust and sand in the house to get to the bikes and not notice at all.... Tonight I forgot to close the door to a spare room that has my soft toys on the bed, this door is ALWAYS kept closed "Just in case - although the dogs wouldn't" but Morgan did and while I was tidying one room she as destroying a soft toy in another.....

Every night I make all the meals for tomorrow, EVERY NIGHT, I am over it.... I love the food, I actually really love my Tuna and rice and salad, its not like I don't have the chance to eat other things every day at sucky job, but I do prefer the tuna and rice, but I am OVER making that and the 3 chicken meals plus another tuna meal every night for tomorrow, then I make our dinner as well... for both of us every night... over it!

Then there is the general money or lack of it thing. Lots of reasons, we have our toys (bikes and chev) contest costs, general economic downturn blah, blah, blah... so have to stay in sucky job and hold back on my dreams of other things... Like going to see the All Female in July... my Son in NZ... the IFBB comp in NZ in Sept and all my friends I haven't seen in almost 5 years...

Smoke and mirrors... menopause....winter blues....post contest blues.... over training.. I went straight back to the gym the day after the Asia-Pacific...

At the moment I don't know whether I will do the INBA Natural Olympia in October...

I am sure whatever it is will pass, but for now I feel like I need to find a big puddle of mud and wallow..... of course it will have to heated and have scented candles around the rim of it... LOL

6 comments:

mq01 said...

im with you...heated with yummy candles, bubbles, maybe a glass of wine...

ahhhh it seems many of us are here, in this frustrating time, just sick of it some days and desperate for something/change others. i have to tell you, i read something recently that really stuck out to me. it was along the lines of; we feel the most disorganized and out of control right before major life changes take place.

hang in there sister... just take it one day at a time. maybe it would be fun for you to write down "who you want to be". my reading said we have to define it and identify our path before we can be it/do it. thats what im working on..maybe it will help you too? ;)

Tearose said...

lol yes heated with scented candles! We could at least get warm! Aww Cath , that job uniform sucks and I totally understand, my job uniform makes me feel like sit too. Is there another not-quite-as-sucky job you could do? Even a coffee shop will have cuter uniforms then that.

ss2306 said...

Sounds like what you are going through is NORMAL after competing. We all go through it but hope you find peace in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. A day off training and not cooking, just eating oats and powder works for me when I'm "over it".

And you don't HAVE to gain weight. If you don't like how you look and it makes you feel like shit then don't do it. Just maintain - you can still build muscle.

Hope today is an AWESOME one.

LizN said...

Shelley is right, what you're going through is completely NORMAL.
You can stay relatively lean off season and still gain muscle, the key is consistently improving across all of your lifts and eating well most of the time.

Frankie said...

Hey, I know your job is sucky but its NOT who YOU are. It's just what you have to do at the moment hun. Sending (((((((hugs)))))))

Witchazel said...

Thank you mq01 I will do that, I'm a list writer from way back and like to write my grateful log as well, so I think this may be just what I need to do.

LOL Tearose, funny how the uniform affects us eh! I'm an admin girl don't think I could handle being nic to customers in a coffee shop at the mo LOL

Thanx Shelley and Liz, I am still lean and I am consistenty improving in my weights so I am sure this is just a post contest mind game... Once I have my fat% done next week I will know for sure. Fingers crossed!!

Thanx for the hugs Fifi, thats exactly what I need, just got to get my head around the whole job nt person thing.

You guys are all so grate with your supportive comments. THANK YOU ALL!!!