Its worth the hard bits..

Choosing this lifestyle is not easy....

But then if I wanted EASY I would still be eating a whole pizza and a large bag of marshmallows every Tuesday night, chocolate bars and muffins would be my snack foods....

And I would still weight at least 83kgs, probably closer to 90kgs by now. and my body fat % would be around 40%......

But I made the decision myself not to do that, I chose to work out every day, do cardio most days, to eat as healthy and low carb as I can and change my life forever...

And now I have a body fat % of 8.3%, I weigh 61.3kg, 56.something kg of which is muscle that you can actually see when I am relaxed... I have man veins in my arms and I love them....

But it is not easy... today it sux....

Today I have eaten exactly what is in my pre-contest diet, I am lucky enough to be full to over flowing, my saggy baggy uniform pants were actually tight around my waist by the time I got home and I am definitely not hungry, so why do I feel so damn sad and deprived...

Why, when I have reached my goals once and I am heading towards my next goal with a purpose, do I feel like having a big wimpy cry about what I am missing out on....

In one months time I will be one night away from the Olympia... One month... 30 days...

I should be focused and primed and practicing my posing...

Instead I am wimpy and sad, and miserable and I want to sabotage my efforts with a ham and cheese toasted sandwich of all things!!!! Bugger the cakes give me straight fat!!! I want melted cheese!!!

I feel like cutting off my hair which is now at that in between nothing length before the extensions go in and it is driving me crazy.. I want to get rid of the boring blond and colour it red and purple and black and gold... I want to go out and get another tattoo big enough to be a half sleeve that looks like black lace, and more piercings I soooooo want more piercings!!!

BUT....

I also want to stay exactly how I am, improving and heading towards my goals, I will get on that stage being the absolute best I can be...

With one breath I feel like my butterfly wings are crushed and trapped in a tight web and with the other breath I can feel them spreading as I work on which competitions I can do next year...

Friday is when I get tired..... Fridays should be a happy day but for me they are always a crappy day cause I am tired....

Today was Hammies and cardio day and I blasted both...

Today was almost Saturday and I just can't wait....

Tomorrow will be a great day, Bicep & Tricep day...no cardio, oh what the hell 30 mins of cardio may just slip in there...

Sunday I will go and watch everyone compete in the INBA Queensland Titles and I know I will see that stage and my heart will flutter and I will smell the tanning lotion and damn it I will love this bloody hard lifestyle so much I will get all teary and sniffle and cheer and clap and yell....

So it will be worth these hard bits.... Just like everything worth having in life is...