Focus......

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”- Arnold Schwarzenegger
“The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

FIGURING OUT THE FIFTIES.... SO THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT.......

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

A thin veil....

Well another measurement day has been and gone...

This week I managed to gain muscle, loose fat, stay pretty much on the exact same weight... although I did lose a whole 1.8mms, wow big deal, it IS better than nothing at all or the ultimate sin... a fat gain... So I am now sitting on 56.6mms with 13 weeks to go to the competition...

This slow down in fat loss has meant a diet change, not less food just different foods at different times... just to see what my body thinks of a new situation... still plenty of time to tweek things so I should not be panicking... but I am... well no, its not panic.. it is more akin to gloom and stress...

Now I could wax lyrically about how fabulous everything is going and how amazing it is to still be ahead of target but really I have been battling a monster of despair behind a very thin wet paper bag veil of happiness...

My real world at the moment consists of sleepless nights and exhausted days... None of this is actually due to my diet or training but due to the way my twisted mind works... unfortunately it is having an big impact on how I feel about my diet and my training....

Due to a lot of stress filled little things joining hands and dancing in bigger and bigger, louder and louder circles around me, I am struggling to find positivity.... I have always thanked the Goddess every night before sleep for the joys of my world and over the past few months I have started each day with an affirmation that "Today a Miracle Will Happen"....

But how do you say thank you when your day has been a struggle from the moment you woke.. when, no matter how hard you dig into your memory of your day, you can not find something even vaguely resembling the edge of a miracles coat...

I believe deeply in karma and right now I feel like I must have snuck out one night and done some terrible atrocity to the world to cause the karma that is poking at me...

While driving back from my weigh in today I thought.... Struggle makes you stronger... but then my next thought was.. no they don't they just keep coming until you are too tired to fight anymore...

To put a little icing on the top of a day that went from hopeful to hell when the accountant phoned us regarding our tax, we arrived home to find our car has blown its radiator hose... this is the car we are now relying on as we have the Chev up for sale... hey I know... I can be thankful for the miracle that we discovered this outside our gate and not in the middle of the Bruce Highway...

So although none of this is training and diet related, the effort it is taking to get through each day is making the effort it takes to fit in two lots of cardio and training into my day a huge ask... Although the only time I feel any type of peace is when I am counting out the reps of my sets, I do this while watching the clock and worrying about the time it is taking as so much else is waiting for my attention...

As for the tossing, turning, half sleepless nights... they are not helping as we all know how much better we feel after a good sleep... and it has now been almost four weeks since I had a good nights sleep... stress and a secret of someone elses deceit is keeping me awake... my dream last night of them standing half naked surrounded by everyone who needs to know of their deceit tells me this... but at the moment I am trapped with their secret... even though my dream tells me that it won't be long before their cheating is revealed...

So there is my wet paper bag veil broken... tomorrow at work I am being let out of my box as I have the totally surreal job of painting cartoon character happy butterflies and bees, frogs and flowers on the walls of the kids play room.... I can think of nothing further removed from how my life is at the moment than a happy fun filled garden of bright colours... see karma is playing with me... she is such a bitch... but then that is why I love her...

1 comment:

mq01 said...

yes, this is the very reason why we should love her (karma) too. she is reminding you with the painting project to see thru the boxes and past the wet veil to the childlike garden here for us all to enjoy.

and, more proof that karma and your car loves you...my car always waits until we are safely at home to breakdown too.

you're just like me. when it feels super heavy its hard to say fuck it, ease the mind, and stop the internal chatter, priorities, lists, demands, worries.... consider 3 words (even if only for a few days) to break the cycle; st johns wort.

or another 3 words; sauna, massage, hottub :)

another few words, bob cinco and i love you witchazel. be proud and happy with yourself. and hang in there, these times too will pass...